I received a reminder that I have not posted anything on this Blog for five months. Do I have any form of defence for this gross dereliction of duty to society? Well yes, I think I do; to do this the following will be a very personal story, not something I am comfortable with. I will attempt to mount this defence in some form of order, but this could be far harder than imagined as I need to find a beginning.
So here goes……
I would imagine the overriding reason for not posting is that no one reads them which is understandable as I do not ‘announce’ the posts and they are not very good anyway. Some could say this is imposter syndrome which is all very well but what if you are an imposter? This feeling began about five months ago; ‘is there any point?’ Looking back at this ‘dark time’ it was in all probability not as dark as I assumed, in fact it was to get far darker.
As these thoughts began to form, I began to read the work of Mark Fisher (1968-2017). I felt an immediate affinity with his work, it was his political insight that struck the hardest; this man was so elegantly but forcibly putting forward thoughts and ideas that I had been thinking for many years. I was born in 1961, so share a similar world view of events and changes within society, producing a profound feeling within me that I had discovered a fellow traveller. Even as I was reading, I could not see a way of operationalising this wonderful work, however, I did know it was becoming ever more important.
So here I was reading the work of this incredibly important man who mirrored so much in my life, but because of his immense talent was only making me feel more inadequate. It should be made clear that my feelings of inadequacy can on no account be blamed on Mark, they are all mine.
Then in early September my father died, whilst not unexpected he was 90. The world and my place in it changed forever. I believe there is much that still needs to be written and understood about grief, but would argue that here and now is not the place. Suffice it to say my thoughts of inadequacy were put on the backburner while navigating the bureaucracy of bringing a person’s life to a close and the management of grief both personal and that of others.
As the old saying goes ‘time waits for no man’ so life continues, but there is always something else that needs to be sorted out leaving very little time for as some would say self-reflection or others feeling miserable. Putting a positive spin on this my life was made easier, because choice was taken out of my hands. I am going to go very un-scientific in this part, simply because it’s easier.
In October I was feeling very tired and ‘out of sorts’ I put this down to the last few weeks and all that had occurred, so it was hardly surprising. Then whilst I was going to the shops on my bike, I had some sort of episode. I have been epileptic for many years but relatively fit free, but this was not like anything I had ever experienced before. This ‘episode’ has been very debilitating in all aspects of life, including looking at screens. I am still waiting to see a Neurologist at this time so still do not know what is actually wrong.
I would love to close my defence at this point (if indeed anyone is out there to read it) but unfortunately that is not the end of this miserable tale. In November, I thought I had an eye infection I will not go into the grisly details of the infection or the protracted adventure to see a medical practitioner! I finally went to the optician to get my eyes checked where I was presented with the news that I have an advanced cataract requiring surgery. I am now rapidly loosing the sight in my right eye. The good news is my first appointment is at the end of February.
So, there it is my defence if it can be called that, it feels more like moaning and feeling sorry for myself. The reason I mentioned Mark Fisher was not only the insight I gained from metaphorically sitting at the feet of a Master Blogger, although I fear it has not improved my ability at all? Because of my declining sight I am now being denied the ability to read his work as voraciously as I would like. `
Hopefully after baring my sole, I can get back to wanting to blog and write, and about far more interesting topics than me. However, It still remains ever present in my mind ‘is anyone out there?’ Perhaps a more important question I should pose myself is ‘Does it matter?’ Is it more important to speak out, to use our voice and mind no matter what level of ability we have. These last few months have shown me that much of what we take for granted can disappear in an instant, what we believe to be built on bedrock is in fact on sand. So instead of pondering our failings we should never give up, but to continue trying in whatever field or endeavour we enter into to be heard; even if it turns out it is only ourselves listening.
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